What it really means...

It figures that the day I wrote a post about not letting drama get to me that enough drama managed to jump into my life that it was impossible to ignore.  It was not creeping, it was jumping out of no where and trying to choke the life out of me.  Ok, so maybe it didn't come from "no where" exactly but it quite definitely was taken above and beyond where it ever needed to go.  I'm still too angry and the wounds are still too fresh for me to be able to talk about it in a completely non-biased way..... especially when it really feels like I was attacked when I was trying to apologize for snippy (at worst) when the other party was already being rude and attempting to trample all over my POV. [Note that although there is one main person who caused the latest burst of drama that there are multiple people mentioned in this post.]

I spent the weekend kind of in a fog.. a depressed, angry, fog.  I couldn't sleep, spent most of the time feeling like I could easily throw up.  I forced myself to get out of the house and attended a coupon swap held by a local mom's group.  I sat there nearly silent, trying to just smile and listen to what everyone was talking about but I found myself constantly thinking about what had transpired and how I could have prevented the whole stupid situation.  However, from what was said on the other party's behalf I think they've been saving it for quite a while...  I was angry enough to come out with the laundry list of things they've said/did to hurt me and many things I could say to purposely hurt them... but I (thankfully) used every ounce of restraint and kept my mouth shut... letting her think she "won" the fight and made me look like the jerk.  Well, job well done..  I believe she did accomplish me looking like the jerk.. and me making a sarcastic (unfortunately) somehow viewable comment to someone on facebook made the situation worse...   What can I say?  I can be a jerk when I'm irritated.... Most people are.   

What hurts me the worst is that she made all these speculations about how I purposely tried to hurt her and the family, which is completely untrue.  According to her, I've also destroyed any chance of our children from ever being close.  This is the SECOND time she has pulled out that hurtful accusation in less than a year.

What sparked this whole mess?  Me mentioning on my facebook page that I had not watched the royal wedding and didn't feel like I missed anything.  I  feel like I am reliving a huge mess from 2 years ago when I said I wasn't a huge Disney fan and caused another family member to stop talking to me.  Really, WHAT THE HECK!?!?! Why does everyone have to take me sharing my opinion with them as a personal attack on them?  Why can't I just not get into big media exploited events and large companies sucking parents dry of their money and not be a total jerk?  And WHY can I not have a conversation with MY friends in MY space on my facebook page and not offend someone?  Do I really have to block people from being able to see what I say?

Well, I guess I do.  I've only shared the fact that I even have a blog with a small handful of people.  I mean the fact that I'm learning to knit and crochet alone seems to welcome people to give me eye rolls and random really strangely rude comments... as if I somehow offend them by just wanting to learn a skill.  I apparently cannot exist with out pretending to be something I'm not to prevent to avoid people's disdain for me.  I understand not every person is going to be your best friend but I also understand what it's like to have to just keep your mouth closed when you don't agree with someone.  I admit that I'm getting worse and worse with the keeping my mouth shut part lately..  I hate to break it to my "elders" some of which are barely 7/8  (and some laughingly only 2-3) years older than me but just because there is a gap in age between us doesn't give you the right to treat me as a child who doesn't deserve to have an opinion (especially when it's being expressed in MY space and no one is forcing you into the conversation.)  I may be young, but I'm not that young anymore.  In a few short years I will be 30...and in what I'm sure will seem like a blink of the eye 40... and then my "elders" will be extra bitchy while they're hitting menopause.  Hopefully we wont have much contact by then because my children will be grown and I wont have as much of a reason to restrain myself from punching someone who gets in my face. (Ok, the chances of me actually ever punching someone are extraordinarily slim....but sometimes...it's really hard to just shut your mouth and walk away.)

My husband and I used to discuss "when" we would move back "home".... When became "if"..."if" seems to be quickly turning to "I wonder where we'll settle down."  We've even briefly discussed moving to another country.  It saddens me that a few short weeks ago we were talking about inviting different family members to come and stay with us and now a stupid argument over a media event and a separately but equally stupid argument over dishes has sparked absolute abhorrence from individuals that should be important parts of our lives. Apologies that were difficult to muster but were just as powerfully sincere have been rejected.

While those individuals are busy trying to punish me, I am busy taking a few steps back and accepting that my family is made of the 5 souls in my home and nothing more.  The love that has chosen to be with me is my family.  Genetics and ties through rituals created by man do not make my family.  Love and acceptance makes my family.