I feel like my mind is in a permanent state of panic and anxiety. Panic over money, panic over the future, panic over the stability of our family, panic over the thoughts of going back to work and saying goodbye to the days of being at home with my son.... Panic panic panic.
Eventually the panic gives way to full on shut down of my brain. Someone... please lead me to my bed. I would like to just crawl in and hibernate for a few years until our problems are all solved or we are living on the street. Ok, so we'd never really wind up on the street... but sometimes the thought of having to ask to live with one of our parents sounds worse than sleeping on a park bench somewhere.
I've spent a ton of time in the past few weeks reading job requirements (yes, there is actually work here) and coming to the same depressing reality that I'm not qualified for them or they pay so little I wouldn't be able to afford an accredited daycare/preschool. The night jobs are all heavy lifting jobs meant for big strapping young men and aren't near by (nor are they in a terrific area to work late at night.) I finally found a work at home job that had great reviews and was very flexible and had a great pay scale. Great, right? Why yes, yes it is... for all the people who applied and were hired. I found a post by a woman in my mom's group with a few links to openings, but by the time I clicked the links the positions were filled!
People keep suggesting nannying or an in-home daycare... I tried that once.. and maybe it was the extenuating circumstances in my life... or maybe I just wasn't the best match for the little one I was working with... but it was a disaster. Lets not even bother to mention I was only charging $7 or $9 an hour... and what was supposed to be in my home turned into me dealing with rush hour traffic first thing in the morning and took close to an hour to get to for only a couple hours of pay. The few people I know that I would gladly baby-sit for when they need it... I wouldn't want to take money from. I have a horrible time taking money from anyone even when I earn it.
I keep coming back to my etsy shop and keep making attempts to make things for it. I have a stack of beaded bracelets, several pairs of earnings and some baby wash cloths ready to list... I don't know what it is but I'm having trouble getting myself to list them. I don't know if it's fear of failure... fear that I don't realize how much my products suck (I really do try to have high standards for what I make) and people are going to be disappointed... who the heck knows.
If my shop fails (or in addition to it if we need additional income as I know sales can be slow) I'll probably wind up posting my info on my mom's group for people who need some house work done and who are willing to deal with a crazy and constantly changing schedule (due to hubby's schedule) and occasional flakeyness when we will all undoubtedly get sick.
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