I'm stuck in a horrible funk. Motivation is lost, depression keeps rearing it's ugly head and I am just stuck. I feel like I can't move forward. I've had some serious revelations about who I am lately, and how little I relate to the average person and all the people in my life. Even the most wonderful and accepting people I know I can't talk to because when it comes to politics and religion as we butt heads. The people I've thought were my friends consider our friendship a one way street it seems. They can call me when they have a problem that they need to talk out but if I try to call or email them I never get a response. There are literally less than 5 people (husband included) on this planet that even bother to call and see how I am or return a phone call. Guess what, 2 of them are my parents (and their motivation to talk to me involves making sure my son is a part of their lives... it's all about him, not staying close to me.) A handful... maybe 4 keep in contact with me via Facebook... but most of them are sporadic about it. I understand the world doesn't revolve around me, believe me I know, but I'm the kind of person who normally drops everything the moment my phone rings to at least make sure there's not an emergency or someone isn't having a melt down.
For the first time boxes filled with stuff are at a reasonable level that I should be able to sort through and eliminate with in a few months. For the first time all but one piece of furniture is exactly where I want it. For the first time I'm almost unpacked and have things where I want them.and everything is organized..... In 6 months I will most likely have to pack everything up and be prepared to move again. The chances of getting to go where we want are slim. I like this town... I really do... but I have no ties. No friends, barely even a neighbor who I say more than hello to. I can't stand the heat. I want to be somewhere where it snows (where my husband is close enough to walk to school), I want to see lightning bugs every summer night, I want to know I'm finally close to home... you know.. an apartment that with in a 10 mile radius we're likely to settle down permanently after my husband finishes grad school. I know I have unrealistic dreams about finding the perfect home that we could lease to own (I'm so tired of apartment living)... you know.. a place where they'd let me garden, paint the walls, maybe put down something other than crappy wall to wall carpeting that makes my allergies go bizzurke. Somewhere where my son is not close enough to breathe our neighbor's cigarette smoke. Somewhere I can put up all my pictures even if they make a hole slightly larger than a regular nail. Somewhere I know I'll be there longer than a year....
My projects have more than out surpassed the number of hours in a day... A good day lately is a day I manage to go to bed with out wet laundry still in the washing machine and an empty kitchen sink. I can't remember when we did more than just vacuum the obviously dirty areas. Our carpets look filthy even though there's no obvious reason for the marks.... leave it to two dogs and a two year old to create filth that seems to appear magically. I go through more rug shampoo than hair shampoo easily.
I have more "stuff" than any normal person needs... but I'm too freaking sentimental to get rid of most of it. I'm overwhelmed, sad and lonely and there doesn't seem to be an end in sight. It's too hot to venture out and be outside for long periods of time... my sun burn will attest to that. Yes, I am in a funk.... Don't normal people get this way in winter? I guess I'm just not normal.. but that shouldn't come as a surprise.
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